Frequently Asked Questions concerning Children and Parenting

Q: How do I talk to my children about my decision to Divorce ?
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Q: How do we tell our children that we are divorcing? Should we tell them together? And how do we handle their reaction to the news?
A: For the childrens' sake, it is better to tell them together. This will establish an atmosphere of cooperation which is very important for parents who are divorcing. It will help avoid setting up a situation where there may be questions of loyalty to one parent or the other. You will be showing your kids that although you are separating you will still cooperate as their parents. As far as handling their reaction, let the children lead you. If they are ready to talk then let them guide you - try not to pressure your child if they are not ready. Be careful that you are not trying to satisfy your own guilt by giving them too much information before they are ready. The kids will come to you with their own questions when they are ready.

Q: My daughter screams and cries whenever we try to discuss our divorce, is this normal?
A: It is normal for children to not want to face reality. By screaming, your child is saying that they are not ready to discuss it. Be sensitive to their feelings and don't force them to accept the situation in your time frame. Acknowledge that the situation is too upsetting for them to talk about at this point. When they are ready to ask why, they will. Be cautious about sharing information they may not be ready for.

Q: My kids ages 15 and 17 are angry with their father for leaving - they don't want to have anything to do with him. How do I help them through this?
A: This is a very common reaction, however - you can't help them with their relationship with their father. You need to respect their point of view or they may become hostile towards you. Respect their feelings and recognize that their relationship with their father is theirs alone.

Q: I feel I am ready to being dating again, how do I explain this to my children?
A: You definitely need to discuss this possibility with the children. It will be a change in the family dynamic. Have a family meeting, letting them know their input is important to you. Above all if the kids do not feel ready, it may be too soon for them. Let them know you love them and that they come first.

Q: How do I deal with my own feelings of hurt and anger at my spouse?
A:You cannot hide your feelings from the children, but you can practice not judging your former spouse. Just say I am hurt by what your mother/father said (or did) to me. Do not categorize your former partner as the "bad one". The children may or may not agree - just let them know that you need a little time to recover. Let them know that even though you are hurt or angry about the situation, you love them.

These questions were answered by Barry G. Ginsberg, Ph.D.
Dr. Ginsberg, who founded Core in 1981, is the Director of the Center of Relationship Enhancement and of Ginsberg Associates (a child and family clinical practice). As a child and family psychologist, he has provided relationship enhancement therapy and enrichment programs to families and trained professionals throughout the USA and Canada since 1969. He is the originator of the parent-adolescent relationship development (PARD) program.
Dr. Ginsberg is the author Relationship Enhancement Family Therapy (John Wiley & Sons, 1997), and 50 Wonderful Ways To Be A Single-Parent Family (New Harbinger Publications, 2003) as well as numerous articles about relationship enhancement and family therapy.