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EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION:
By
Nathan S. Wagner, PsyD MBA
Effective
Communication:
Communication
is a crucial aspect of any significant relationship. What we say and how we say it can and will impact the course
and condition of the relationship.
Better communication will tend to enhance a relationship, while
poor communication is likely to strain a relationship.
What
kinds of communications are there?
There are various types of communication, which exist with different purposes. I find it helpful to divide communications
into categories because some couples have more trouble with one category
than another. Identifying
the trouble spots in their communicational array will make for more specific
and speedy solutions to their communication problems.
Instrumental Communication:
This type of communication aims to share information with the hearer
so that the hearer does something we want or need them to do.
Instrumental communications can vary widely in significance. For instance, we are communicating instrumentally
if we tell our spouse that we are running out of milk and we would appreciate
if they could pick some up on their way home from work. We are communicating instrumentally if
we tell our spouse we need them to stop drinking or the relationship is
at risk of becoming unmanageable.
Informational Communication:
This type of communication intends to share information with the
hearer because we believe the hearer might want to or might need to know
the information we have but they do not have.
We are providing informational communication when we tell our spouse
that they have a message on the answering machine.
We are providing informational communication when we tell our significant
other that we love them.
Collaborative
Communication:
This type of communication attempts to share information about
a problem or uncertainty and receive assistance from the hearer about
the problem or uncertainty. For instance, we might say to our spouse,
"I am worried about our child's grades and wonder what we can do
to help her raise them."
Casual
Communication: This
type of communication is talk for the sake of talking. This type of communication is not to be underestimated in terms
of importance. Keeping up
a comfortable stream of casual communication with our significant other
can be a source of great comfort and strength for both of you.
What
makes for good communication?
First,
an effective communication is one that is clear and generally brief. It gets the message across in a manner
that does not leave much room for ambiguity and misinterpretation. The effective communication does not bring
in extraneous details that distract the hearer from the core message to
be conveyed. At the same
time, the effective communication does not omit important details that
could help the hearer to understand the speakeršs perspective and experience
better.
Second,
an effective communication (even one that intends to express hurt, disappointment,
or anger) minimizes overtones of personal rancor directed at the receiver.
Ideally, the effective communication is posed in such a way as
to allow continued constructive dialogue that seeks to resolve the problem,
as opposed to initiating a cycle of escalating attack and counterattack.
Why
is good communication important?
Good
communication conveys our needs and wants effectively. This is not just good for us. It is also good for the person with whom
we are communicating. The
hearer is not left with a sense of uncertainty or anxiety about what we
need or want them to do or to understand.
The hearer is also in a better position to communicate effectively
back to us. The development
of effective communication therefore not only helps problems get resolved
more quickly, it builds trust and confidence between the people communicating. We feel like we are on the same page.
This trust and confidence contributes to the strength of the relationship
and can help it weather the inevitable difficulties that occur between
people.
What
are some tips for communicating more effectively?
- Take a little
time to formulate your thoughts and feelings into a message that you
believe the hearer will be able to understand and respond to.
- Take a brief
inventory of what you are planning on saying. Are there some elements to the communication
that merely vent frustration towards the hearer and do not really serve
a constructive purpose? Those
elements typically negatively impact the communication process and are
sometimes lethal to it.
- Determine
whether or not the situation is right for the communication to take
place. Could you bring
up the matter at a better juncture, when you and the other person really
have the time to sort through a complicated issue? For instance, are the children there
and do they really need to be exposed to what you are contemplating
communicating?
- If the matter
to be discussed is an emotionally charged one, try to go into the communication
as calmly as possible. This might mean taking a few deep breaths, getting a glass
of water, waiting a few minutes before you start, and focusing on what
you believe you need to communicate, as opposed to focusing on the angry
or hurt feelings.
- Even during
very difficult discussions, a little humor can sometimes go a very long
way to easing tensions and reminding the other person that you really
want to resolve the situation successfully and as a team.
- Make respect
a rule. Speak to the other
person they way you would like them to speak to you.
Avoid insulting language and profanity.
If your partner wants to end the conversation, or put it on hold,
let them.
- Anger is
not a bad thing in and of itself. It is a necessary, preservative emotion,
which lets us know that there is probably something in our environment
that is not healthy for us and to which we need to respond. Listen to and respect the angry feelings—use
them as a guide if you will. But remember that in addition to the emotions of anger
and fear, human beings have developed extremely sophisticated reasoning
processes and conflict resolution skills that we should also employ.
- Remember
what communication is about. Communication typically intends that a dialogue take place
between yourself and the person with whom you are communicating.
The quality of that dialogue will in large part determine the
success of your outcome. You
have responsibility for the quality of half of that dialogue.
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