Jul 28, 2025

The Parent’s Guide to Divorce: How to Keep Kids’ Well-Being at the Center

Divorce Mediation

~ By Christine Lombardo, Esq., MBA

Going through a divorce is difficult and very stressful. Having children and going through a divorce is ten times more difficult. It does not have to be this way, despite what many think. When you have children and are going through a divorce, you have to be mindful of your actions as well as your child’s. Once the divorce is final, you are no longer married to your ex; however, your child is connected to your ex for their life.

Essential Communication Guidelines

Here are a few tips to keep your children’s best interests at the heart of your divorce, taken from the voluminous articles on this topic. I am not sure I can prioritize these tips, as I believe they are all equally important.

First, you do not want to disparage the other parent in front of your children. I believe we all know this, but even if the child is angry and disparaging of the other parent, you need to remain calm, cool, and collected. Do not react or get baited into disparaging the other parent. It will not end well for you, and your child will resent you in the long run.

This extends beyond just avoiding negative comments. Children are perceptive and will pick up on eye rolls, sighs, or even subtle changes in your tone when discussing the other parent. They may also overhear phone conversations or read text messages, so maintaining discretion in all forms of communication is crucial. Remember, your child’s relationship with their other parent is separate from your relationship with your ex-spouse, and they deserve the opportunity to form their own opinions without your influence.

Second, listen to your child. Let them tell you how they are feeling. I find that those who dig and push a child to talk never really achieve success, but allowing the child to open up and talk when they are ready is healthy. You want to create a welcoming and safe space for them to talk. During this time, stay calm, cool, and collected, as they will be watching your non-verbal as well as verbal cues. Remind them that their feelings matter. Remind them that this divorce was not their fault. Remind them they are loved by and that will not change.

Creating this safe space means being available when they need you, even if it’s at inconvenient times. Children often choose unexpected moments to share their feelings—perhaps during a car ride or right before bedtime. Being present and putting away distractions like phones or work shows them that their concerns are your priority. Validate their emotions, even if they seem unreasonable to you. Saying things like “I understand you’re angry” or “It’s okay to feel sad about this” helps them process their emotions in a healthy way.

Thirdly, be aware of any heightened anxiety the child may have. In this case, you will need to connect your child with an expert, a licensed therapist, who can work with your child to alleviate their fears and stressors. My clients have found much success in this area. Do not be afraid to shop around for the best therapist for your child, so they are in a comfortable environment and will open up to the therapist.

When selecting a therapist, look for professionals who specialize in children and divorce. Some therapists use play therapy for younger children, while others may focus on cognitive behavioral techniques for older kids and teens. Don’t be discouraged if the first therapist isn’t the right fit—the therapeutic relationship is crucial for success, and it may take time to find someone your child connects with. Many therapists offer brief consultation calls to help you determine if they might be a good match for your family’s needs.

Common Behavioral Changes and Responses

There are some other things to be aware of when dealing with a divorce that includes children. Sometimes the initial transition can be rocky, and children might act out and develop some behavioral issues. Again, if you experience this, the calm demeanor certainly helps, but child therapy might be in order. If finances are an issue, consider using your church for assistance. I have known of situations where congregation members anonymously donate funding to assist families in need.

Behavioral changes can manifest in various ways depending on the child’s age and personality. Younger children might regress to earlier behaviors like bedwetting or thumb-sucking, while older children might see their grades slip or become more defiant. These reactions are normal responses to stress and typically improve with time and support. Maintaining consistent routines and expectations, while also allowing some flexibility during this adjustment period, can help provide the stability children crave during uncertain times.

School counselors can also be valuable allies during this time. Informing your child’s teacher or counselor about the divorce allows them to provide additional support and monitor for any concerning changes in behavior or academic performance. Many schools have experience helping children navigate family transitions and can offer resources or referrals to community support services.

Empowering Children Through Difficult Times

Depending on the age, some kids will withdraw and go quiet. This is a challenging area for parents, as it is often due to their child’s age, such as being a teenager, or maybe something else. The goal is to get them to open up. It might require therapy. Children feel helpless in this situation. They did not ask for their parents to divorce (although they do not like seeing their parents unhappy), and they have no real control over the situation. Finding ways to give your children some control will help them navigate the troublesome waters of divorce. Yes, it means putting them first most of the time, while trying to take care of yourself. Trust me, though, it will be worth it in the end when you and your children have a healthy relationship.

Giving children age-appropriate choices can restore some sense of control in their lives. This might include letting them choose which parent they spend certain holidays with (when appropriate), allowing them to decorate their room at both homes, or giving them input on the family schedule when possible. Even small decisions like what to have for dinner or which movie to watch can help them feel more empowered during a time when so much feels out of their control.

It’s also important to maintain some normalcy in their lives. Continue with regular activities, sports, or hobbies that bring them joy and provide stability. These activities also offer opportunities for social connection with peers who may be going through similar experiences. Remember that while putting your children first is important, taking care of your own mental and physical health ultimately benefits them too. Children need at least one stable, emotionally available parent, and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Building a Foundation for Long-Term Success

The decisions you make today about how to handle your divorce will impact your family for years to come. By prioritizing your children’s emotional well-being, maintaining respectful communication with your ex-spouse (at least in front of the children), and seeking professional help when needed, you’re laying the groundwork for a healthy post-divorce family dynamic. While the immediate aftermath of divorce is undoubtedly challenging, many families find that with time, patience, and the right support, they can create a new normal that works for everyone involved.

Remember that healing is not linear—there will be good days and difficult days for both you and your children. The key is consistency in your approach, patience with the process, and a commitment to keeping your children’s best interests at the center of every decision you make during this transition.